Perspective

As I’ve gone through eight+ years of schooling in education (it’s a long story), the most fundemental lesson I have learned is that we need to truly understand that every child is different. Every child sees the world differently, they all come from different environments, their families have different expectations for each of them, they’ve had different opportunities presented to them throughout life, they have different goals, they have expectations about what life is able to give them, where they feel their place in the world could be, what their potential is, and they value things based on their own perspective of what is important to them. Perspective is reality. This is not just exclusive to students, but it is way of thinking that can and should be adopted when looking at every single person around you.

I’ve retrained my mind to see that people’s choices are a reflection of what they have always known. I see now that that when someone dresses in a way that I don’t think is attractive, does their hair a certain way that I feel is unflattering, holds certain beliefs or values I don’t agree with, has different goals or dreams, or treats others in a way that is different from how I would have, it is not that they are doing it wrong, but that they are doing things exactly how they think they should be doing it based on their own experiences. Taking a further step back, I’ve also learned that if they are doing things how they think things ought to be done, that they are probably looking at my way of living my life, and potentially disliking me for all these exact same ‘faults’ I have with them.

I used to get so worked up about people not seeing the world the same way that I did (because obviously my way is the right way). But, I’ve finally learned. I’ve learned to reflect on why I value certain things. In these circumstances, instead of reacting, I’ve learned to share the moments/events/lessons that shaped those values for me with another person, instead of attacking their value system. Teachable moments exist at any age. I’ve learned to ask them questions about why they feel the way they do instead of silently judging them or whispering to Betty sitting next to me about them. Lastly, I’ve learned that there is absolutely no one right way to see the world or do things (except for extremes like, you know, murder etc- don't kill people).

In the motherhood world, this is extremely important to acknowledge. I’ve seen so many people without children preaching about how things should be done, and so many new moms preaching about how their way is the best way, and so many old moms preaching about how back in their day this was ‘the only way’ … But, all these expectations, rules, ‘right’ ways of doing things, are solely based on what they’ve experienced and come to know. It’s different for so many of us. You can’t ever know for certain that your way is the best way. Preaching, judging, shaming other mothers doesn’t make you a better mother or person. It doesn’t mean that you are doing it the right way, but perhaps it makes you feel that way.

I’ve learned that a lot of moms who preach, are searching for validation. They want to feel good about what they are doing, they want to know that they are doing it the right way, that they are not screwing up their kid(s). Sometimes, preaching their advice to others and having it be accepted is a surefire way to know you are doing a good job. Sometimes people/mothers preach because they truly think their way is the only way to do it. They don’t see that every child is different, every environment a mother/child is in could be different from their own, and these discrepancies dictate the rationale behind that mother’s choices.

I mean, I get it, motherhood is hard, it can be stressful, there is no rubric, you don't know how to earn a grade. We all want to know that we are doing it right. But, even if there was a way to know for sure, we all want different things for our kids. How we value success and what being a successful parent is is different for each of us. It's based on our environment, what we learned growing up, what our goals are for ourselves and our children. It's all connected.

My husband sent me an article yesterday titled "13 Things Parents of Strong Kids Do" and as I read it, I thought, welp these things would definitely produce a strong child. But, that's not my goal, thats not what I want. I do want my children to be strong, but I also want my children to be kind, empathetic, understand their emotions, listens to others... That list wasn't conducive to those things and I was immediately frustrated by the list and my husband for sending it to me. It is easy to read that and think this is the only way of doing things. What if my husband started doing all these things to our kids? What if he felt that 'strong' is the goal? But... instead of reacting negatively to my spouse, I brought these concerns up to him. We talked about it, about what our goals are for our kids, and why there has to be more then a 13-step list for child rearing. Overall, we both learned from each other, honed our parenting a little more, and kept moving.

Seeing a parent react to their child in a way that you disagree with, make decisions you don't like, throw the towel at something you hold as tried and true, or not take your advice or agree with it isn't saying you are not doing a good job or that you are not validated in your parenting choices. It just means that they have different goals, they are trying to raise a different type of human than you, they live in a different environment than you do and it requires that they teach their kid something you don't have to teach yours, etc.

Letting go of the judgement, the shaming, the insecurities in my own parenting, has made me so much more relaxed and so much happier. My focus is now only on my kids and not attaining any type of parenting validation or judging others. I try and spew that positivity and support for the other moms around me whenever I can. I focus on the positives for each mother. I focus on the positives of what I can do. I ask questions instead of silently judging people who make different choices than me (teachable moments aren't exclusive to you teaching someone else something, we can always grow and learn). I mean, in the grand scheme of things, who cares if Susan is using a sleep schedule or Karen lets her child be diaper free and poop on the floor (just clean it up if they poop on my floor)? That kid could be President one day.